Yes, I broke the rules yesterday. I was ok in the morning but I don't what happened. I was trying to read and couldn't focus at all. My mind was wandering all over something. Something which I do not have now. However I kind of got a reason to get rid of it too. And then I installed my Instagram again. I scrolled through the reels and watched my saved reels which I missed so much. The thing I noticed about myself when I was scrolling my saved reels was that I wasn't able to connect with it as I used to before. I felt like, why am I even doing this. I didn't expect the results to be this good after a week's declutter. I'm going to start again. I'm going to redefine the rule. The problem is I haven't defined my other high-quality leisure activities yet. I need to think of them by tonight.
Today is Tuesday and If you have read my previous Tuesday's blog, you must know that there is no electricity today from 9am to 5pm. Therefore, today was so boring and I wasn't even feeling well. I caught cold and my body was aching. All I did was to look at my Instagram, scroll through reels. When I got bored by that, I had these old thoughts recurring in my head. I cried of how I felt thinking about them. Last year, I had a huge fight with one of my closest friend and since then I lost a lot of my friends and they became more like my enemies. I don't want to consider them as one. One thing to blame could be social media again. I kind of made an image of my friend by the way he talked to me on phone and also by text which he didn't turn out to be in real life. Not even close. More like a fake character.... Whether he is fake or not it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was hurt a lot. It was a deep wound. After that I became so conscious of all my friendship. Thanks to that I discovered more rotten mangoes.
May be because of that trauma, I still feel too aware around my other friends. But what I feel I feel. Isn't it? It is better to cut people off than keep them in life and keep regretting it. I was even bullied for being overweight. I told them to stop and said I do not like the comments I receive. Stupid sh*t heads. Doesn't even stop. All of these came to my mind during the time I was away from my phone. I couldn't hole my tears. I cried when I was praying. The only thought comes to my mind is to get isolated. Digital minimalism teaches otherwise. If I try to be friends with someone, they somehow turn rotten. It's ok to rot a little but you should get rid of it for your own's sake is my point. How can you run a friendship when you have poison in your heart about the same friendship? I do not understand. Someone doesn't like someone's lifestyle. Someone doesn't like their friend to look better than them? What the hell is wrong with people? I'm definitely not saying I do not have negative thoughts about people. I have a dark side too. But I know what to do with it without hurting anyone's feeling.
I really hate people/friends who compare themselves with me and feel jealous. Ahh!! I'm so sick of this. I hate people who doesn't want their friends or peers to grow. I hate people when they try to know their friends just to outplay them to bring down to make them feel bad about themselves. I have people who project their trauma on their friends. Lear to deal with your own sh*t. I mean this is basic. Is this how it's supposed to be? How can I increase my social circle with all these is my question. Be in family or friends, all seem to be rude and cruel. I'm sure they will reap what they are sowing right now in any way. I just want to stop thinking about these people. And that wasn't the thing I was doing today. I want a fried now. A real friend. at the time when I was crying, all I could think of when I thought about friends was god. But how am I supposed to increase my social network like this? Anyways, I'll still trust you god. Deal with my pain, my difficulties yourself. Cry for yourself. Make sure to heal me. If you have created me, make sure to take care of me well. Be responsible. Do not disappoint me please.
That is all I want to write. I'm feeling a little lighter. I wish myself a good start tomorrow. I'm not gonna be entirely deleting Instagram. I will use it occasionally like how I text people these days. I will rewrite all the rules again. My head wants rest. I'll close this here.
-strangelet